Trusting Again
by eternalember
Summary: Cordelia never became a 'higher being'. Instead, the relationship between Cordy and Angel grows stronger after they confess their love for eachother at the beach, until a terrible event changes everything...
1. In the blink of an eye

**Summary:** Cordelia never becomes a 'higher being'. She and Angel tell each other that they love one another, and their relationship only grows stronger. But will all that be lost after something terrible happens to Cordelia?

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing

**Rating:** R

She whimpered and winced while gently draping her jacket over her battered shoulder.

She felt cold.

Not a snowy day cold, or a sudden temperature drop cold. No, this was an empty cold. It was the feeling of nothingness, your dignity shattered into pieces kind of cold.

Her legs were numb and bruised, her eye and lips swollen, her forehead caked with dried blood. She was still shaking with fear, wincing at even the slightest sound. She had tried to get away, oh God she tried.

And they laughed.

She fought and squirmed underneath them with all her might, but there they stood, those monsters, grinning. They gagged her and tied her with rough pieces of rope; she had the marks on her ankles and wrists to prove it.

She screamed and kicked but they pinned her down, and she pleaded. She begged until all she could do was close her eyes and pray.

And then it was over.

She began to feel slightly dizzy and reached down to feel her bleeding hip. It was from an attempt to escape them, a huge gash from scraping against the dumpster. So much blood lost, enough to make her head spin.

She wept in the alley until the first rays of the sun began to dance upon the ground beside her. She wept until the arm of her jacket was drenched in blood. Then somehow, she stood up with the support of the brick wall, and stumbled down the deserted alleyway.

Cordelia woke up at her apartment, collapsed on her floor. She hadn't even made it to her room. Dennis had kindly surrounded her with pillows and tended to her bleeding arm and side. Bandages floated near her, along with bags of ice on her legs.

She suddenly felt violated.

"Please Dennis…just don't touch me." She whispered softly.

And with that she half crawled to her room and into her bed, Dennis politely closing the door behind her. He could hear her cry into her pillow from the hallway and he knew only too well what had happened.

What have they done to her? He thought. His poor Cordelia.

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REVIEW PLEASE!


	2. Helpless

"Hey has Cordy checked in yet?" Angel asked Fred.

Fred shook her head while leafing through some mail. "Nope, haven't heard from her."

Angel felt a little anxious. He was taking her to a restaurant that she'd been dying to go to for dinner and he wanted everything to be perfect. Just then, Wesley came out of his office.

"Angel I'd like to speak with Cordelia about her last vision. Where is she?" He asked.

Angel shrugged.

"A bit peculiar isn't it? She's always the first one of us to arrive…" he noted.

Fred rolled her eyes. "Maybe she's sick. People get sick you know."

Wesley hesitantly agreed and the gang continued with their day as usual. Fred and Angel filed some papers while Conner, Wesley, and Gunn went out to buy him some new clothes. Hours went by, yet still, no Cordelia.

"She would've called by now." Angel grunted.

Fred knew that he was right. Cordelia wasn't the type to just not show up at work. She was always there, dedicated and ready. She tried desperately to brush away her feeling that something was wrong.

"I guess we'll take the sewers?" She finally asked.

Angel had already closed the basement door behind him…

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Angel banged at the door, pounding with his fists. "Dennis come on, open up!"

The ghost was only too happy to oblige. Cordelia was getting worse.

"Oh my God…" Fred gasped, covering her mouth with her hand. She looked at the blood on the carpet and felt like fainting.

Angel felt his legs go weak at the sight of his lover's blood. He needed to know that she was okay; he needed that more than anything. Suddenly, the vampire heard the faintest cry from her bedroom…

Cordelia lay under the sheets, resting her head against a pillow. She sobbed uncontrollably. He could smell blood, mixed with the stench of her fear. Angel ran to her and reached out to hold her.

"Get away from me!" she screamed, moving back into her bed.

"Honey, it's just me-" He reached out a hand.

"No! Don't touch me! Get away from me!" she screamed, clutching her sheets even tighter. She began to sob and scream uncontrolably.

He desperately tried to touch her again. "Darling it's just me. What happened?" he whispered to her.

She slumped onto the floor and cried even more. "Please!" she begged, hot tears streaming down her face, "Just go away!"

Angel backed away, not knowing what to say or do. He had never seen her look so helpless and afraid. Cordelia huddled in the bloody sheet in the corner of the room, next to her bed. Just then, Fred came in.

"Oh no…" She gasped. And she knew.

Angel leaned against the wall, allowing Fred to try to calm her down. She kneeled next to her and slowly moved towards her. At first Cordelia flinched, but she gave up. She was too tired and afraid to try anymore. Fred held her friend and she cried. She wept and screamed into her shoulder, while Fred soothingly rocked back and forth. She told her that everything was going to be okay and that she and Angel would help her, but the exasperated young women only wept more, muttering nonsense and mumbling to herself.

"I d-didn't know what t-to do! It all h-happened so fast…" She cried.

"Shhh…everything's going to be okay. We'll take you to the hospital." Fred whispered to her soothingly.

"No! I'm not going there!" She began to scream again. Cordelia's voice croaked in her crying rage and she just fell back into the arms of her friend.

Angel didn't know what to do or what to make of it all. All he knew was that whoever did this to her would pay. He again looked at the helpless woman on the floor and it made him slump even further against the wall. He would make them pay as much as she had to.

And that was the silent promise he made to her that moment.

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What do I want for Christmas...? (thoughtful chin stroke) I know! How about a review!


	3. Not Alone

Cordelia woke up surrounded by white blankets and half stuffed pillows at the hospital. She had bandages around her legs and arms, and stitches in her hip; five stitches to be exact. She wondered where she was, but remembered quickly.

Anger spilled into her like hot lava. She felt violated and hurt…and after all she had done for them…

Just then, a nurse came in the room.

"Hello dear," she said kindly, "are you feeling better."

No, she thought, of course I don't.

"Yes, a little thank you." She replied. The swelling on her face had actually gone down a bit.

"How long have I been asleep?" She asked wearily.

"A long time dear, you've been out the whole day. It's nearly 11 o'clock." The nurse told her. "I think a friend of yours is here. He's been waiting for you all day."

Cordelia nodded, giving her the permission to let him in.

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Angel looked at her and tried to smile. She looked back with empty, tired eyes.

"Hey…" He said. He slowly attempted to move closer to her, not wanting to relive that morning.

"I'm so sorry…" she whispered, "God Angel I'm so sorry."

He sat next to her on the bed and held her hand. "Cordy you don't have to be sorry about anything."

"I didn't mean to push you away! I was just so scared!" she said.

"Darling, it's ok. It doesn't matter."

She collapsed into his arms and allowed him to hold her, something he'd wanted to do all day. He held her and soothingly whispered to her, assuring her that it would all be ok.

"It was so dark…I was just walking back to my apartment…it-it all happened so fast…" She whispered between sobs.

"I know love, I know…" The vampire just held her closer. He wiped away a tear from her cheek and kissed her forehead.

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After Cordelia was released from the hospital, the car ride back to the hotel was silent. She blankly stared out the window onto the darkness of L.A. Even passing by alleys made her flinch a little, but Angel would just hold her hand, and she could actually forget for a moment about all her fears.

And then they would all come back in an overwhelming tidal wave of pain.

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The trees of the forest swayed in the evening breeze, looming above her like giant towers. She felt her hip bleed but it didn't matter. She had to get away no matter what.

She kept running, feeling them close behind her.

Every movement and every breath was painful, but she was determined to get away. Her lungs screamed but she kept going. Suddenly, she couldn't go any more; she collapsed to the ground.

He crawled to the ground next to her and waited. Oh, it's so much more entertaining when the victim knows you're there. No fun if she's not afraid. She'd done what he wanted, but he wanted more. Her job wasn't over yet.

She opened her eyes wearily and gasped when she saw him. He grinned and held up a sharp blade, twirling it in his fingers…

"NO!!!!!" Cordelia screamed. She panted and clutched her sheets closer to her.

Angel woke up with a start; he'd fallen asleep in the chair near her bed.

"It was just a dream, it was all just a dream darling." He assured her, holding her in his arms.

She nodded and wiped away her tears. "I'm just gonna get a glass of water…be right back."

She slowly walked up to Angel's fridge and grabbed a water bottle. Her hip was better, not as painful as before.

Angel looked at his lover, the woman who was hurt so badly, now starring out the window in an attempt to make everything disappear. No matter what happened, to him she still looked gorgeous. He could trace every curve of her body in her silky white nightgown.

"Cordy, it's been a week…we need to talk about this…" He said softly.

"I don't want to."

Angel sighed. "This isn't going to go away."

She slumped down into his couch. He was right, but she didn't want to admit it.

"Darling I know how you must feel-"

That's it, she'd heard enough. "Don't you dare fucking talk me as if you know! Damnit Angel! You can't fucking save me! No one can save me!" She stood up, screaming with rage.

"I didn't mean-"

"You don't have a goddamn clue about it so don't tell me that you know how I feel. You, Fred, Gunn, Wesley, none of you know what it's like! None of you know what it's like to be walking home to your apartment, minding your own fucking business and then out of nowhere…" she paused, not wanting to go any further.

Angel had tears in his eyes, he refused to let them fall but they were there.

"How many were there?" he dared to ask.

"Three…maybe four…" She replied softly, tensing a little. She knew the next question. "They were human."

He felt his lifeless heart sink. Deep down he knew that this was the act of no demon, but saying it made it all too real. He walked over to her and hugged her and kissed the top of her head. He wanted her to feel safe, and she did.

"I love you…" he whispered, "I love you so much."

"I love you too." She said between sobs.

"No one is ever gonna hurt you again I promise…I wont let them."

"I know."

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R-E-V-I-E-W find out what it means to me…


	4. Secrets, secrets aren't fun

3 months later…

Time passed as it tends to do. Cordelia woke up in Angel's arms in his bed and snuggled closer to him, if possible. She kissed him, waking him up with a smile.

"Hey you." He said, brushing away a lock of hair from her face.

She giggled. "It's almost noon."

"So what? I could spend all day here with you."

Her wounds had nearly healed thanks to her demon blood. It had been almost a month since that terrible night. Things were getting better, and Cordelia and Angel's relationship was just starting from where it had left off.

The gang had reached out to every source for information, but still, the whereabouts of the men who had raped Cordelia were unknown. At the same time, Angel Investigations was slowly trickling out of business. Angel didn't want to bother Cordelia about it, but she knew that their income depended on her visions. It made her feel awful because it had been two months since her last one. Their rent check was due next week, and the gang had a fraction of it to pay.

Angel held the seer in his arms and kissed her. He wished that he could feel sunlight, streaming through the windows. Then it would be perfect.

"We have to get up…" she groaned. "Fred and Wesley are probably downstairs waiting for us. And you haven't really been bonding with Conner lately."

"So let them wait, what's the rush?" He murmured, kissing her neck.

"Angel, come on he's your son."

Angel sighed, "We've all been a little busy lately. He understands that."

She sat up and leaned against the headboard, "Yeah, you've been busy worrying about me."

"That's not true…"

"Yes it is! It's all my fault. If you hadn't been so busy worrying-"

He cut her off with a passionate kiss.

"Now what were you saying?" He asked, releasing his lips from hers.

She laughed, a happy loud laugh that he hadn't heard in a while. It was refreshing and wonderful.

"Ok, five more minutes..."

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"Cordy? Where's the check we received last month from the people with the Sloth Demon problem?" Wesley asked from his office.

Cordy busily dusted bookshelves and hummed to herself.

"Should be in my desk somewhere." She replied.

He sat in her chair and opened a drawer, searching for the envelope. He felt around for it, but there were only receipts and notes. Wesley leaned to open another drawer, but it was locked. He tried to force it open, but failed.

"How come this one's locked?" he asked her.

Cordelia immediately stiffened and jumped down from her step-ladder.

"Oh…um, it's not locked, that stupid thing has been stuck for ages." She said quickly.

"Isn't this where you used to keep the checks though…?" he inquired.

"Nope sorry, Angel might have it though." She smiled briefly and went back to dusting.

Wesley wasn't convinced. That drawer wasn't stuck; it was definitely locked. Cordelia always put checks there for safe-keeping.

And why was she so nervous to answer?

This all seemed odd, but he tried to get back to work. He could look into it later.

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Cordy shut the door of her room behind her and breathed deeply. If Wesley found out…

No, of course not, this was too well kept a secret.

But still, part of her brain told her.

She paced back and forth near her bed, accepting a teacup offered by Dennis.

"What should I do?" she asked the ghost.

She knew what he would say if he could. He would tell her to talk to Angel. He would tell her that she had to come clean after what happened.

Luckily, though, Dennis can't talk…

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_TBC…How am I doing so far?_


	5. Nowhere to Hide

Wesley quietly tiptoed downstairs into the lobby, careful not to make a single sound. He anticipated a squeaky step and skipped it. Cordelia had gone home for the night, Conner was in his room, Fred and Gunn had left, and he was sure that Angel was asleep by now.

He looked at his watch; it read 11:03.

Wesley hated this. He hated doubting his friends and he hated the fact that he was about to violate Cordelia's privacy, but there was just an eerie feeling that still lingered, a feeling he couldn't shake off.

The weapons cabinet squeaked a little when he opened it, making him a jump. He picked up a short iron bar and proceeded to the desk.

He wedged the bar in the drawer as much as he could and moved it back towards him. It wouldn't budge at first, but with a little effort the lock released itself.

Frankly, Wesley didn't really know what to expect, but he was surprised to find what was inside.

"Oh dear…" he whispered to himself.

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"You have one new voice message…" The answering machine responded.

"Wow, so many?" Cordelia joked to herself.

"Look Chase, if you don't pay your rent within the next 48 hours you're outta here comprende? I've given you plenty of extensions so pay up!"

She sighed.

"Oh by the way, in case you couldn't tell, this is Benny the land lord."

Cordelia rolled her eyes. "I would have never guessed."

The apartment was silent; so silent that the ticking mantle clock could be heard in the kitchen. Cordy leaned against the counter, gripping her coffee mug tightly in her hand.

She starred at the phone as if it had a strange hold over her. She was tempted to call them again…oh so tempted.

No! A voice screamed in her head, don't forget what happened last time!

I'll be more careful, I was ill prepared. I didn't do what they had asked…another voice said.

The voices in her head continued to argue, until out of nowhere, a teddy bear soared into her head.

"Dennis! Chill out!" She screamed.

Another object came at her, this time a small book from her nightstand. The book knocked her coffee mug out of her hand.

"Alright, alright you win!" She insisted a little annoyed.

She began to clean up the coffee and smiled weakly. "I promise Dennis, we'll figure something out. Don't worry."

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_I'm so evil! I know this chapter is short, but I'll write a longer one next time. I just couldn't resist leaving everyone hanging…_

_I'm going out of town for a week, but I'll update as soon as I can! Happy New Year everyone!_


	6. The truth unraveled

Beads of sweat were starting to form on his forehead. He had been debating it all night, but he finally came to a conclusion.

Wesley had to tell Angel what he saw.

He proceeded to the office, where Conner and Angel were talking.

"Oh, I'm sorry to uh- disturb you…" Wesley said meekly.

"Nah, it's fine Wes. Conner and I were just talking about were we were going to do this fall about school." Angel explained.

The British man nodded. "He'd be in his senior year am I right?"

"Yeah, but he's pretty behind…anyways, you look a little strange Wes, you ok?"

"A-actually I was wondering if I might have a word with you in private?"

Conner looked at both the men and got up from his chair. "Um- I think I'm going to go grab a bite to eat with Fred and Gunn." He left the room without another word.

Wesley was getting nervous. He looked into the lobby and gently shut the office door without another word.

"Angel, you're my friend. And you know I'd never lie- or at least put down accusations without evidence…" his voice began to trail.

"Wesley, can you please just tell me what's wrong?"

He took a deep breath. "I think Cordelia is hiding something."

Angel looked confused. "About what?"

"About who raped her. I-I think she knows who they are."

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Cordelia took a deep breath as she came out of the bank, the conversation from inside still playing over and over in her head like a broken record.

_"I'm sorry Miss Chase but we simply cannot give you another loan."_

_"Please, you don't understand…I-I really need the money."_

_"You've already taken a loan from this bank for Angel Investigations that you still haven't paid off."_

_"I know, I know. I just need an extension, that's all. One more month and I'll have my rent and the loan paid for." _

_"I'm sorry Miss Chase, but the answer is still no." _

Great, she thought, just perfect.

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Wesley shakily dumped a stack of papers and envelopes on Angel's desk.

"I found these last night."

Angel opened a letter and stared in disbelief. "They're all messages from someone. What's the big deal?"

"Read them." He urged.

Angel picked up a letter and opened it. "Sharpe Point 8:00…what does this mean?"

The Englishman took a deep breath. "Angel, Sharpe Point is a loading dock. And to my understanding, it's one of the biggest drug trading spots in L.A."

Wesley opened another letter. "Here's a letter from the bank. It says that they've received the Hyperion rent check for the months of June through August in _Cordelia's_ name. The letter also talks about a loan that needs to be paid off."

"A loan…but, she told me that she received a big check from one of our clients a few months ago and just forgot to file it, and that's how our rent has been paid…" Angel said. "Wait, our rent checks are always in your name."

"Exactly, she'd only send it straight to the bank without my consent if she didn't want any of us to find out. Besides, we've never received a client who's paid us enough to cover rent for three months." He told the vampire as he handed him another envelope. "Here read this one."

"51st and Rockwell at midnight…Wesley, that's…" Angel breathed.

"I know, that's the alley where she was raped."

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I'm back from vacation! How am I doing so far? Review please!


	7. No longer afraid

"Hey you," Cordy smiled as she hugged Angel.

He was stiff and looked anxious which made her worried. No smile, no warm hug, he just simply stood there.

"We have to talk." He said bluntly.

She sighed. "Ok, what's up?"

"Wesley found these letters," He said holding up the stack, "You wanna explain all of this Cordelia?"

She stared in shock as Angel released the letters one by one, letting each of them flutter to the coffee table.

"I can't believe you…" She whispered. "You-you both looked in my desk…?" She whispered.

"Cor we were just trying to help you."

"Well I never asked for your help! You invaded my privacy…as if I haven't had enough of that lately." She said coldly.

"Why didn't you talk to me?" He asked her grabbing her arm.

She pulled it back. "Because my life isn't on fucking display Angel! I can make my own decisions, and I'm not in high school anymore! What I do is none of your business!" She screamed with rage.

He stared at the ground, not knowing what to say, and with that, she grabbed her purse and walked out of the hotel into the daylight.

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Cordy snuck through the fire escape so the landlord wouldn't see her. Yes, the wonderful life she'd been dreaming of, sneaking into her own apartment and living off of club crackers from the cheap convenient store down the street.

The fridge was practically empty, as usual. She gazed at the contents, some cheese whiz and a jar of blood, wow.

She remembered when she had first moved in, when Doyle was there. The apartment had meant a new phase of her life, a fresh start, it was perfect.

Everything seemed to be falling apart. It was as if she was a yo-yo, in complete control at first going up and down smoothly, but that one fumble, that one regretted wrist movement tangles it into an ugly knot.

Dennis handed her the cheese whiz in an attempt to comfort her and she almost smiled.

"I should go back shouldn't I?" She asked him.

She didn't need him to nod through her teddy bear or write 'yes' on a notepad. She got up and proceeded to leave the apartment, this time through the front door.

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Angel sat on his sofa with his head buried in his hands. He barely noticed the seer coming in, too distracted with his own jumbled thoughts.

She moved the curtain ever so slightly to look outside, making sure not to let the light touch him. He felt safe in the dark, and she began to fell the same way.

"It was about six months ago, maybe seven," She began without bothering to look at him.

"When your visions started to slow down." He noted softly.

"I heard you and Wesley talking about how tight we were on money, and how the bank was going to take the hotel if we couldn't pay rent on time." Her eyes slowly began to well up, "I just-I just felt like it was my fault. I'm the one with the visions! I'm the one who's supposed to bring us business!"

Angel stood up and put a hand on her shoulder. "Sweetheart, it was never your fault."

"I know…I know Angel, but you were so stressed and I hated to see you so upset. I mean, Angel Investigations is everything to you. It's everything to all of us."

"So you took out the loan?" Angel asked.

Cordy nodded. "But soon, I couldn't even afford to pay my rent, everything I made I put to the loan and it was all getting so out of control. Then I met this guy, Tony. He said that all I had to do was deliver some packages for him and he'd pay me."

"Cordy you know better-"

The seer cut him off, "It seemed fine at first! Shady, yes, but pretty ok. I'd drop of the packages and pick up my check from Tony the next morning. But the deliveries just got worse and worse. Bad parts of town, even Sharpe Point a few times. I started to get really scared, and I knew that this wasn't worth it."

"So you stopped going didn't you?" Angel asked.

She nodded. "Tony wouldn't leave me alone about it. He called me a million times a day telling me that I was 'his' and that I couldn't just quit. I ignored his calls, even though they started to get pretty bad."

"Bad how…?" The vampire inquired, his eyes drowning with concern.

She took a deep breath. "Tony would threaten me, tell me he'd break into my apartment and bullshit like that. I didn't really listen. I know I should've, but things were picking up here and you know, you and me…it was all coming back together again. One night I was walking back to my apartment and before I knew it, there he was, grabbing me and shoving me up against the wall with his friends."

Angel wrapped his arms around his seer and let her rest her head on his shoulder. He felt her pain at the memory. "Assholes." He muttered.

"I thought I could fight them, but I was so scared and there were so many!" She whimpered.

"Shhh, it's ok. Darling why didn't you tell me about all of this? I would have helped you, you know that."

She shrugged. "I just wanted it all to go away. Besides, I knew you'd go and kick his ass or something stupid like that."

"That's for sure." He said.

She softly grinned and whipped at her tears.

"So what are we going to do?"

Cordelia Chase looked up at the vampire with the most assured look upon her face. "I think I'm gonna have to figure this one out on my own. But whatever I do, it'll make Tony scream."

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I think one more chapter should do the trick, how is it?


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